Freedom from White Knuckle Living

Have you ever held on to something so tightly that your knuckles turn white? Do you know why that is? You’re restricting your blood flow. You are cutting off access to the very thing that allows your body to thrive. And why DO we hold on to things so tightly? I think there are two basic reasons - either we don’t want to let something/someone go or we don’t want to fall and feel a loss of control.

Both of these reasons are rooted in the fear of what could be. I’m probably more guilty of this than anybody. I’ve written about my Type A tendencies many times before, it’s not a surprise that I struggle with this mindset. I want to control everything because I don’t do “trust falls” well and I don’t want to endure the stinging pain of loss. So I hold on with a death grip to people, stuff, dreams, you name it. And you know what the result is? I lose a connection to my lifeline, the One who makes the blood pump in my veins. I cut myself off from the leading of the One who shed His own blood to secure my fate in, not just this world, but the next. Those white knuckles are a visible sign that I’m attempting to go it alone down a dark road without the only person in this universe who holds the GPS. I’m still very much imperfect at this, but here’s what I’ve learned so far.

LETTING GO OF OTHERS IS A NECESSITY:

There have been so many people I’ve held on to so tightly due to a fear of losing them either to physical death or the death of a relationship. I’ve done everything in my power to safeguard these individuals I’m terrified to lose. I clung to every moment with my grandparents when they were alive afraid it might be the last, I tried so desperately to push my well-intended advice on to a struggling friend who eventually succumbed to his poor choices, I stuck out a number of unhealthy relationships for far too long because I was afraid of what my future would look like if I walked away. I white-knuckle my husband and children to death along with others I deeply love, because the thought of living life without them is too much for my mind and heart to comprehend.

But this is a prison, you guys. This is not living a vibrant life, it’s dying a slow death in constant agony. It produces anxiety that becomes paralyzing and the worry becomes all-consuming. It steals our joy from the time we are given with one another. While we are able to (and should) protect others to the best of our capabilities, it is not our responsibility to control the outcome. Only God has that power and we are called to trust that He will guide each of our destinies with a loving hand.

So is it wrong to try to help and care for others? Absolutely not, in fact, we SHOULD be doing those things. But our actions shouldn’t be dictated by our insistence on a particular path that we will for others. This is just simply not something for us to decide.

As far as toxic relationships go, this one can be equally as tough because we have to make a conscious choice to sever these ties. There’s an action on our part that either requires us to set hard boundaries or entirely end something that quite possibly started out good. This looks different under different circumstances but the purpose remains the same - we need to guard our hearts against people who don’t have our best in mind and the relationship becomes very much one-sided. Sometimes we need to keep people at arm’s length with more of a superficial level of connection in order to get out from under their burdening influence but it’s not entirely unhealthy to be in their presence from time to time. They’re just not given a key to our inner circle. Some people, however, create a certain chaos or possess a certain influence that is often incredibly unhealthy and, at its extreme, dangerous or lethal. If someone serves as your gateway to bad decisions or they cause you mental, physical, emotional, or financial harm - GET OUT NOW. Completely out. It is not your job to save them, it is your job to protect yourself at this point. I have served at a domestic violence shelter for many years and there are too many stories that ended tragically because someone tried to hold on tightly to a relationship with a foundation built on a mounting pile of red flags.

FAITH IN FALLING IS A SECURITY:

I’ve tried everything to control my own future, I’ve white-knuckled this one to death, too. These past few years have been brutal at times. I’ve flown completely blind and been completely blindsided by medical issues, my career has been sidetracked, my income has downshifted significantly causing drastic change to our lifestyle. And yet, somehow I keep deceiving myself by believing I’m in charge. And then God reminds me that I’m not. He’s behind the wheel, I’m in the back seat - still sometimes I relapse back to the delusion that I’m the one driving. I find myself living in this constant state of chess playing when the irony is that the game is already won. My eternal future is secure in Him, this life is just semantics.

And nothing on this planet is guaranteed, by the way. Nor do we need it to be. One person could have a dire medical condition that miraculously subsides and they live long into their 80’s while the next person could be a picture of perfect health and die in a sudden car crash at the young age of 18. Our story has a purpose but it’s not ours to write. It is ours to embrace, however, and to utilize what we’re given to the best of our human abilities. Beyond that, we are called to beautiful freedom from universal responsibility. You can break through the brick wall built out of self-reliance, let go, and have the confidence that God’s arms are strong enough to catch you.

So take a long, deep, cleansing breath friend. The weight of this world is not on your shoulders. It never was. You are not the master of your destiny. You never were. That role is already filled. Give those tensed, white knuckles a chance to regain their blood flow - release your grip and rest in the freedom of knowing that our Heavenly Father is loving, kind, and completely in control for the sole purposes of our good and His glory.