Momentum

Momentum is defined as “mass in motion”. As human beings, our lives are constantly moving. The tricky part is that we don’t always get to define which way the pendulum swings. Yesterday was full of momentum for me, and it was constantly moving in both directions.

The day began on an emotionally bittersweet note. My career at BP had officially ended (PENDULUM SWING LEFT). It’s a reality that I knew was impending, but one that I also tried to convince myself there may be a grain of pivot somewhere in the process. But the pivot would never come. As much as I tried not to admit it, my body just isn’t in a position to handle the daily pressures of my former career. I have limitations to how long I can work, when I can work, what level of work I am capable of producing at given points. Every day is different, and I’m bound to the boundaries of what my body tells me I can accomplish.

This has been a frustrating, yet valuable lesson in my life. I loved being part of such a wonderful team and positive organization, but I also knew that my health and family have to come first. If I’m no good to myself, I’m no good to anyone else either. I grappled with so much sobering truth yesterday as I wrapped my mind around the gravity of this milestone. With a hesitant heart, I allowed myself to feel each emotional tug, both good and bad, and I prayed to truly believe that God has a grander plan. I know he does. I felt a rush of exhilaration as I began to dream about what sort of ministry Wotherspoon Books can grow into now and how much more I can be present and involved with my husband and kids. I believe there are exciting things to come as I draw my strength from the Lord and place my trust in his guidance (PENDULUM SWING RIGHT).

As I was resolving toward peace with my conflicting thoughts in the darkness, I got a message that my d-dimer results were in from a follow up test I had regarding my ongoing COVID saga. This particular test is an indication of blood clots in the body. I fully expected to see my levels back down to a normal point …. nope. They had spiked even higher than my original numbers. Just the night before, I woke up with some pretty crazy chest pain. This can’t be good, right (PENDULUM SWING LEFT)? I did my best to stuff down the panic as I waited for my doctor’s office to open. A CT scan was ordered so we could get a handle on the situation and establish a plan. Now I was just plain spinning and it was only 8:30 am.

Prior to the CT, I had my first physical therapy appointment for my knee surgery since COVID knocked me down. I had high hopes as I felt pretty good but, by the way, this day was already going, I tried not to let my spirits get too lofty. My faithful therapist-turned-friend took one look at my knee and we both had tears of joy in our eyes. After all I’ve come through to get this darn knee back to working condition (it’s been hurting me for almost 20 years), things appear to finally be moving in the right direction and I was AHEAD of scheduled progression (PENDULUM SWING RIGHT)!

From here, I made my way to the medical facility for my scan (sorry, this long day makes for a long story!). My veins were all tapped out from my previous hospital escapades and proceeding blood draws. Thank goodness the tech was awesome. She was able to get a high-flow dye contrast needle into a vein on my wrist underneath my thumb bone - not the most comfortable spot but at least we had success and I was legit impressed with her crazy level of phlebotomy skills. Now I had to wait, I should have answers in an hour.(PENDULUM SWING LEFT …THEN RIGHT … THEN LEFT).

My phone rings, it’s my doctor. I start sweating bullets, she was only going to call if something was wrong. I took a deep breath and answered, waiting for her words to send me back to the hospital (PENDULUM SWING LEFT). “You are clear of any clots in your lungs or heart,” (BACK TO RIGHT) “but the fluid in your lungs from your pneumonia is beginning to crystalize and we’ve got to get this dimer number under control. You’ll need to go on a mild blood thinner for 30 days and we’ll need to keep retesting and monitoring to make sure we can get things stable. I’m also convinced your chest pain was reflux from the combo of meds you’re on so we’ll need to tackle your stomach acid levels as well.” (I’M NOT EVEN ENTIRELY SURE WHAT DIRECTION THE PENDULUM IS SWINGING AT THIS POINT, AHHHH)!

I hung up, picked up my prescription for my blood thinner, pulled in my driveway, and mentally crashed. Sigh. What. A. Day. I was exhausted in every way. I was also attempting to carry the lion’s share of the weight of these situations squarely on my own incapable shoulders.

I’m going to guess you’ve had days like this, too, friend. Maybe not exactly like mine, but ones that feel so far out of control that you wonder what in the world your next move should even be. These are hard days, draining days, but important days. They remind us that we really aren’t in control at all - and that’s ok. It’s more than ok, it’s what gives us hope. It reminds us of Who is in control and we know he loves us so much more than we can ever possibly love ourselves. We have the advantage of drawing on his wisdom, standing in his strength, and growing in his grace.

Yesterday shook me to the core, I’d be lying if I said anything to the contrary. But it also gave me an overwhelming sense of peace and a drive for perseverance as I was reminded once again that I can lean into a power so much greater than mine. My Heavenly Father has me in the gentle palm of his hand and his plan for me involves a life of fulfillment in his perfect will as I navigate the oscillating nature of my circumstances. There’s a seed of blessing growing in the midst of this storm, the bloom of which I can’t wait to behold!

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?”

Matthew 6:25-27