White Noise

The concept of white noise is an interesting phenomenon. It’s the idea that producing a steady stream of unobtrusive background noise on the same frequency can help mask unwanted sounds. It’s an intentional distraction. While this seems positive and helpful, there are some findings that are actually discovering an adverse effect in which too much exposure to this white noise can actually cause a negative alteration to the brain’s neural connections.

As most of you know from one of my recent posts, we went through the experience of having COVID. On top of this, I had a fainting episode about a week prior to that which lead to the loss of my driving privileges until I go through a battery of tests. I’m also seeing a different specialist for my knees because the surgery on my left one failed and now both knees hurt constantly. The series of tests, the knee doc consultation, and the restoration of my driving ability all had to be put on hold due to our COVID encounter and I feel, well, stuck.

Thank goodness we’re out of lockdown as far as COVID restrictions go, but we’re still making the personal choice to remain at home as much as possible. We only leave the house for absolute necessities, Brent’s working crazy shifts, our groceries have to be delivered because I can’t drive to the store myself (the product that some of these shoppers are choosing for us are subpar at best - our last delivery included a squished bag of spinach and a black banana), I’m chasing around three VERY stir-crazy children as my knees ache and buckle, and I feel like garbage a solid chunk of the time.

As Brent and I discussed our set of circumstances, I vomited my emotions all over him. I can’t seem to shake this sense of feeling like I’m being crushed by the weight of our situation and yet we are so blessed in so many ways. COVID did not bring hospitalization or death to anyone in our household, we are not quarantined in total isolation like so many people I know who live alone, we have the ability to use a service that brings groceries right to our door, I get to spend my days loving on three of the most incredible kids on this planet, my husband has a job and is working consistently, my chronic conditions are showing some positive signs of responding well to a new medication, and I have the hope that this new orthopedic surgeon might provide some promising relief from the pain of my 90-year-old knees.

There’s so much good here. Why am I unable to see it so much of the time? Why do I feel like it’s not enough? Why am I so focused on all that is wrong and ignoring all that is right? Then something occurred to me. As a result of being home so much, I’ve spent more time on social media than normal. It’s been one of my only windows to the outside world. I’m watching so many people living life, gathering with friends, shopping, capturing moments with loved ones, attending events we would normally be at, celebrating together as the seats for our little nuclear family are filled by others. We’re separated and I feel it.

To be clear, I’m not facilitating a debate around whether or not the gatherings, galivanting, etc. are right or wrong. That’s not what this post is about and I would encourage everyone to do what they think is the healthiest, safest, and most protective choice for themselves and those around them. What I do want to say, however, is that social media had become my white noise. It was these images in the background of my mind that seemed healthy at the time because they were serving as an outlet, but these same images have brought me low as I subconsciously ruminate on our family’s inability to be a part of the action. The innocence of flipping through photos and seeing the recounting of fun stories quietly reminds me that we are not there to enjoy them, too.

This may seem like such a small thing, but it can be heartbreaking to those of us who are either choosing to quarantine out of an abundance of caution or who have very little choice in the matter due to individual health concerns. And I don’t think a fixation on social media is contained to the single issue of quarantine. I think it plays a big role in my overall level of unhappiness (this is obviously not a novel concept). Next to no one posts the bad photos on their feeds. Perfection is highlighted and the darkest parts are kept quietly tucked away. The perception is that life is fun and fancy and free. But the reality, most likely, is not a bed of roses. We’re all struggling, but not all of us are open about it.

So, as I stop rambling on over here (sorry, this has been weighing heavily on my mind and I’ve had a major lack of adult conversation!), I want you to hear this one thing. Friends, reduce your white noise. It’s masked as a pleasant distraction, but it produces a negative mental drain. My white noise happens to be located in the realm of social media, yours might live elsewhere. Wherever it is, whatever it is, cut it down to a minimum or eliminate it altogether. It’s a sneaky vice of unnecessary comparisons that will compromise your pursuit of righteousness in Christ and steal your joy and peace in the Holy Spirit. These are so very precious and vital to our existence in this world. We should do all we can to preserve them both within ourselves and within the lives of those around us.

May God grant each of us a spirit of righteousness, peace, and joy as we walk through these difficult days.

For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.

-Romans 14:17-