Your Tribe - The Worthy, The Wallflowers, and The Wolves

We all have a tribe. The number and quality of people in each of our packs may vary, but this group makes up our support system nonetheless. Sometimes I think we grossly underestimate the value of the individuals we surround ourselves with. It’s a make-or-break situation, friends. I realized this more than ever as I was suddenly thrown down a different path in life. The super self-sufficient ‘me’ became a person who needed help. Man, this was rough and I fought it until I had to concede to the fact that I was doing more than a disservice to myself - I was allowing my stubbornness and pride to stifle the needs of my little family as well.

This outcry for a bit of desperate assistance really allowed quite a rainbow of true colors to shine through. It’s interesting how some people become bright lanterns of hopeful light in our darkest hour, some are completely oblivious that our light is dimming, and some people make the darkness even darker by turning their own lights off long enough to pretend they’re not home when you need them the most. Easy situations where life seems to be on autopilot allow most people to reside on a flat surface playing field. It’s the rocky roads, the uncomfortable scenarios, the turn of events creating an inability for us to be a one-sided giver that begins to separate the huggers from the haters. It’s also in this space that we begin to define who we continue to invite into our fold and who we feel might be a better fit elsewhere.

In my opinion, there are three types of personalities that tend to settle in our circles. One is essential, one is an ‘arm’s length’ sort of association, and one just flat out needs to be cut loose.

THE WORTHY:

These are the people who are family regardless of whether or not they share our blood. They rise to the occasion whenever possible. Understanding that we all have lives and we can’t always equally and perfectly match each other’s efforts as we experience our ups and downs, these are still our solid go-to’s at the end of the day. They are the first calls we make when tragedy strikes, and they are the last to abandon us when we need them the most. They love us deeply and we love them deeply, too. These are the people (friends and family alike) who prioritize the relationship and know us sometimes better than we know ourselves. These tribe members withstand the test of time because they’ve made it very clear they aren’t going anywhere. In our ugliest moments, they are there to nudge us in a more positive direction. In our most devastating moments, they are our surrogate strength source until we can stand on our own again. In our most joyful moments, they are the ones who genuinely rejoice in our happiness. They are the hearts of gold that we cherish for eternity, and we are committed to being the same kind of person for them. These are God-given relationships and they are earthly treasures rooted in divine intervention.

THE WALLFLOWERS:

These are the people that are either non-negotiable when it comes to family ties or groups of friends, but they aren’t necessarily invested in us in the same way we are invested in them. That’s ok. We need to recognize them for who they are, remain kind in our attitudes and actions toward them, but reserve our energy for the people who reciprocate. These people don’t usually mean us any harm, but they also don’t make much of an effort either. The reality is that they’re more interested in their own agenda than in anything we have to say. They are the ones we probably wouldn’t choose to remain connected to if other circumstances existed, but for the sake of peace and respect we show up and say ‘hi.’ So, we lovingly distance. We smile, we ask how they’re doing, we may allow them halfway into our world regarding things that are more surface level, but we protect the deepest parts of our hearts from their nonchalant attitude toward any significant happenings in our lives.

THE WOLVES:

Most of us are familiar with the phrase ‘a wolf in sheep’s clothing.’ These people fit that description. They play nice, at least at first. They blend in, pretend to care, and may even go above and beyond a time or two at their convenience. Their initial actions seem legit but their motivations lie solely in their own gain. They are not interested in our well-being; their focus lies simply on what we can do for them. If you are a caring and nurturing person, you’ve probably been targeting by this type. I know I have. They know we are resourceful and that we are givers by nature. We want so badly to know that these people are taken care of that we lose sight of the fact that these relationships are completely out of balance. In most cases, our eyes are opened to their true intentions when we fall on hard times and don’t have much to hand over. Suddenly, we have lost our usefulness and these ‘wolves’ conveniently disappear when it’s their turn to give as opposed to get. I’m not referring to those in the ‘Worthy’ category who are struggling at the same time we are and just don’t have the emotional reserve to provide support. These seasons exist for all of us and this does not devalue the years of care and concern that have been shared between you. Use this opportunity to provide these members of your tribe with a little extra TLC to help them back to their feet if you can. As for the true ‘wolves,’ however, they need to go. Period. Wish them well, pray for their eventual heart change, and send them on their merry way. Not only will it remove the toxicity that has been infiltrating your life for far too long, but it will also make room to forge a healthier friendship or to spend more time with those you may not have had a spare moment to engage with as much as you’ve wanted to.

So, evaluate your current tribe. Who falls into which category. For those who are ‘worthy’, do all you can to make sure they know how loved and appreciated they are. For those who are ‘wallflowers’, keep a friendly distance and don’t maintain any high expectations. For those who are ‘wolves’, bid them adieu ASAP.

In all things be kind, but also be wise. God created relationships as a gift to us. We are supported vertically by the Trinity and horizontally by those the Trinity has placed in our paths. Some are meant to last forever, some are meant to teach us how to structure healthy boundaries, and some are meant to strengthen our character and then move along. Be thankful for each and keep them in their proper lanes.