Life WAS a Highway, Now It's More Like a Country Backroad . . . And I'm Thankful!

2 years ago my life was a complete 180 from where it is today. I was flying high, literally, traveling all over the country for my dream job, 7 months pregnant with my 3rd child and feeling like I had finally landed on my feet. I loved my work, loved the people I worked with and for, loved the little family my husband and I were growing – life was good . . . until it wasn’t.

This picture is NOT flattering but it’s the reality of my condition..

Here’s my story.

In July of 2018, I gave birth to our bouncing baby Gwyn. That kid came into this world like the firecracker she is. Nothing about my pregnancy resembled the other 2 and my labor was incredibly difficult. Then, 10 days later, I was struck down with postpartum preeclampsia. It took 3 long and miserable days in the hospital to get my blood pressure to regulate. During those 3 days, I experienced some numbness on the left side of my face. A neurologist was called in and it was concluded that it was probably due to one of the many vitamin deficiencies that my body was currently experiencing after delivery. I felt an uneasiness about this but it made sense so I went with it.

During my maternity leave, I started noticing what began as small lapses in memory and word recall along with terrible bouts of vertigo, but I chalked this up to just having grown another human and not having any resemblance of consistent sleep for nights on end. 10 weeks after Gwyn was born, I stepped right back on a plane and started right back into my full pace of life. I was still having some memory issues, they were a bit worse now, and I just felt off. Again, this must totally be due to an obvious adjustment period I was going through and I assumed it would gradually get better in time.

Except it didn’t.

My vertigo was still holding strong (I fell down my stairs a few times and I was running into walls like it was my full time job). I was beginning to have visual issues like seeing sparkles and spots along with neuropathy in the left side of my face and in 2 of my left fingers. My memory grew worse, I was making myself little hidden notes about every detail of my accounts, I was having trouble remembering words, sometimes I would say words I didn’t mean to say and it got really scary on the rare occasion I wouldn’t recognize people for a brief moment – people I should know well, like my husband. Then came what appeared to be strokes. I would have these stroke-like episodes and end up in the ER for evaluation. Talk about a fast pass! When you walk in with a droopy face and slurred speech, you don’t have to take a seat in the waiting room. That was a bit of a silver lining!

After many months of MRI’s, blood tests, heart tests, invasive procedures, brain test, several neurologists who scratched their heads and threw their hands up, my frustration mounted and I started having another type of episode – painful and scary looking spasms in my neck called episodic dystonia that also came with an inability to speak. I was scared, my spirit was crushed and my body was just plain exhausted. I was in ongoing vestibular therapy, my driving privileges were limited and I was on a short term disability from work which meant my income was cut in half. Life was very different for my little family and we were all adjusting in our own ways. It was brutal and stressful and we put on happy faces as long as we could.

There came a point, however, when there was no more hiding. I was declining, there were no answers in sight, and we needed prayer . . . lots of prayer. So I spoke up about what was really going on. Our friends and family were so incredibly generous. They prayed for us, brought us meals, helped to drive me to appointments or watch our kids. I was so thankful, but I was still so lost in my world of ‘what if’s’. So many things were left unanswered, I didn’t have any sort of diagnosis that really explained all of my symptoms and I was getting even worse despite everyone’s best efforts. I had started waking up every morning with a minimal ability to use my left side. It was so terrible that I began having trouble falling asleep at night simply due to the thought of how horrible the morning would be.

Then, by the Lord's divine grace, I found a neurologist who’s humble nature compelled him to refer me to a specialist group in Michigan. I’m still thanking God for that man and I credit him for saving my quality of life along with what was left of my sanity. The doctors at the Michigan clinic recommended that I be hospitalized in order to conduct some more testing and try some various medications to see what might help my condition. The timeframe would be roughly 7-10 days and I would be over 3 hours away from my family. Oh, and I’d also be admitted ON my son’s 4th birthday (talk about a punch to any mother’s gut!).

Ugh, my heart sank but I knew it had to be done. I couldn’t live like this anymore, so I agreed. The torment of the mental countdown started in my head and the time finally came. It was so hard but it turned out to be the best choice I could have made. The doctors had concluded that a blood vessel in my brain constricted when I had pre-e 19 months prior and remained stuck like this for some unknown reason (I’m sure a lot of it had to do with the stress I was putting myself under around the clock despite God’s loud and persistent warnings to slow down). 19 MONTHS YOU GUYS! Now I had the probability of mild brain damage from this cerebral vasospasm (which finally explained why every specialist I had seen had asked me if I had hit my head recently!), neuropathy issues, and 3 likely lifelong conditions – Chronic Vertigo, Hemiplegic Migraines and Episodic Dystonia. But at least now I had ANSWERS, a starting point, and the hope that each of these should be manageable. There’s a lit path to this journey instead of the agony of stumbling around in total darkness.

The version of me 2 years ago wouldn’t recognize my life today. It’s a circus in my home with 3 rowdy kiddos moving at the speed of chaos and a very helpful hubby trying his best to assist me in taming the commotion between his rotating shifts. But, in the midst of this 'new normal,' there’s a peace to the pace and a sweetness to the time spent with each of these people I cherish so deeply. There’s also an incredibly important ability to control my schedule and make my health a high priority. I’m no longer living the thrill of jet setting across the country and winning high value accounts, but that’s ok. I’ve grieved  that loss with many tears, the ugly kind that come with heavy breaths and loud sobs – and it was a BIG loss for me as I had worked my whole career to get to the level I had achieved. But my priorities are around my God and under my roof. These are the individuals who deserve my love, devotion and attention. My husband and kids want me around for years to come and Christ has ultimately called me to a life of balance. I can’t have both. My body won’t let me and I truly believe this was God’s way of sparing me from health that could have been far worse.

Instead He whispered, ‘child, be still.’ And ‘still’ is how I am striving to become. There’s a long stretch of road ahead, but I know how far I've walked down this new path already and I trust that my Heavenly Father will continue to see me through. Thank you Lord for your mercy that extends beyond our own distorted desires in this world and for second chances to strengthen our faith in You. Your prodigal daughter is running toward Your open arms grateful for Your unconditional love and longing to continue in the full beauty of Your everlasting grace!