Identity Theft

I was just pouring my heart out to Brent (again) about how I feel like I’ve lost all sense of who I am, like I’m not ‘me’ any more. We’ve had this conversation many times over and anyone who’s gone through a major life change knows what I’m talking about. You used to be able to do ‘x’ but now you’ve been reduced to ‘y’. Your world included someone so special to you but they are no longer there be it because of a major fall out or a tragic death. You feel lost, lonely, and like you’re a shell of your former self. You feel like your identity has been stolen.

This is a tough one for me to write about because it’s one of the topics that has hit me like a freight train and one that I have the most difficulty verbalizing without those ugly tears that won’t seem to stop (I’m crying them as I type). But this is an important topic and I hope this post can provide some comfort, especially if you’re in the midst of something that’s cutting you down to your soul.

7 years ago I lost my grandpa and then a year and a half later my grandma was gone. These two beautiful people shaped who I am, they were anchors to the formation of my personality and their loss shattered me to my core. No more advice, no more hugs, no more hearing their sweet southern voices telling me how much they love me and that everything will be ok. I was forced to move on without their bodily presence on this earth and it changed me.

Fast forward a few years and my physical wellbeing begins to disintegrate - first with my neurological issues and then most recently with my whole knee surgery saga. As a person who was constantly on the move both personally and professionally, I have never naturally accepted any limitations well. I would always find work arounds, solutions, ways to scale the mountain and press on. Only now those things aren’t options. My driving is limited, the amount of stress I can take on is limited, my ability to think is sometimes limited, now my knee has my mobility limited. Limitation didn’t exist in my vocabulary until all of this came crashing down on me. Forget ‘limited’, now I’m just plain paralyzed from the weight of it at times. I feel crushed by the desire to feel like ‘me’ again.

But then I remember that my identity isn’t in ‘me’ at all, it’s in Christ. He is my rock, my strength and my shield. He is my protector and provider. If I really stop to think about it, the person I am is ever evolving - I’ve just typically had a bit more control over this evolution. The version of ‘me’ that I was 15 years ago was far different than the ‘me’ of 5 years ago and THAT ‘me’ has changed into who I am today. What HAS stayed consistent is my faith in God and His love for me. My status as His child will remain steadfast, these other alterations are just refining my identity in Him.

This life hurts at times. There’s no way around that and no amount of energy can change this hard reality. I will undoubtedly lose more people who mean the world to me, I will probably endure more physical suffering, I will go through many more changes to who I am as a human being. BUT I will always have my identity in my Savior. Nothing can take that away.