Running Through The Guilt Cycle
Guilt - this monster is such a crazy, vicious mental spiral that comes at you with a voice that’s both tantalizing and deafening. I’m not even sure where to start with this topic, but I know it’s one thing I struggle with the most so here’s my best shot.
As most of you guys know from reading my previous posts, I pushed my body too far from an over commitment standpoint a few years back and ended up with three chronic conditions that are made worse by stress. Now, if I’m not careful I can throw myself into a tailspin which is exactly what happened yesterday. Overactivity leads to inactivity in my case. I spent the majority of my day sedated and in bed in an effort to avoid the ER at all costs (which I did, thank goodness!).
As I was laying there with my head buried in my pillow and mentally shaking my fist in my own face, I just kept repeating the question “why do you do this to yourself?” I know the answer isn’t simple and it encompasses a lot of factors, but the one theme that seems to thread through it all is guilt. It’s this feeling that I can’t seem to get rid of and it keeps coming back for more.
I’m assuming most of you know how to do laundry (if not, you should start learning - it’s an important life skill). You take a dirty shirt, for example. You treat the stains, place it in your washing machine, run it through the cycle, pull it out, dry it, put it on, and what happens? You drip mustard on it and the process starts all over again.
Guilt often runs our lives a whole lot like this. We get messy from making a decision we know we shouldn’t have made for any number of reasons, but we do it anyway because saying no or missing out feels too heavy. Then we pay the consequences, treat the stain, run through the wash of excuses, dry off, stand ourselves up and tend to jump right back into the same situation because guilt can feel so much stronger than sound reasoning.
In my case, I’ve never been good at turning down any opportunity to help, work, play, you name it. I love helping people, hanging out with people, trying to dominate any job I’ve ever had so I can make my company proud. God has called me to be still and it’s unfortunately a skill I have yet to master. When I first got sick, slowing down was a shock to my system but it was the only way to get my episodes to stop. Over the past 2 years I’ve gotten a tad bit better about taking it easier but then I get this burst of energy and convince myself that I can do more than I know I’m supposed to. My “shirt” is clean and fresh. I know in my head that I need to be cautious about long days, too much activity, back to back events. But in my heart I WANT so badly to take all of it in. Guilt crashes through me like a giant wave and I say ‘yes’ to everything. Instead of staying a few hours, I stay for the whole day. Instead of picking one activity, I hop from one to the next in rapid succession. Instead of saying ‘no’ to something that I know would overflow my plate, I blurt out an affirmative response because I long to be the one who can help.
And it’s all dandy until I crash. Then I have to treat my body with extra meds, allow time to run through the cycle, dry, and get back to my status quo. Bright and shiny again, I start the darn thing all over. It’s so hard to get this right. It’s that struggle between wants and needs. I WANT to be able to take on the world but I NEED to respect the limits of my body. I don’t know what your limits are, I don’t know what particular thing you struggle with, but I bet guilt plays a significant role in your decision making. I know it does in mine and it’s one of the hardest things to overcome.
The good news is that we also run through another type of cycle. It’s called forgiveness and God’s the one in charge of this process. He takes us as we are, stained and filthy from our unhealthy choices. Jesus treats our stains with the healing power of His precious blood. We are washed in His love, our tears are dried and we emerge spotless again in His eyes. Thank you Lord that You walk us through this. It’s not easy and we’ll continue to drip the mustard but we can know that we don’t have to set our machine to the guilt cycle. The forgiveness setting is just a prayer away.
Yesterday was rough and it knocked me down hard in every aspect. I started interrogating myself in the midst of all the emotions - how could I let myself get to this point again when I know what it feels like for my body to beg me to press the ‘hard stop’ button? But how could I not allow myself to enjoy the people I love? Sometimes I have to make a tough choice, sometimes I just have to know when to cut out and rejuvenate my energy, sometimes it’s too late and I have to humbly ask God for forgiveness and a do-over. I’m so thankful for that last option. I won’t accomplish perfection in this life but I can seek to grow in wisdom. Part of that growth involves chucking the guilt cycle so that I can make better choices in the first place and jumping headfirst into the forgiveness cycle when I know I’ve gone sideways. What an amazing resource we have in Christ!