To Please or Not to Please

Of all the things I struggle with, ‘people pleasing’ is in my top 3. I don’t know how to say ‘no’ without feeling bad, I hate hurting anyone’s feelings, I suffer from the infamous FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out), and I love the satisfaction of helping anyone in need. There isn’t anything inherently wrong with the things I just listed off. What gets tricky, however, is balancing how this mindset affects my own wellbeing and understanding how each of these relates to a life dedicated to Jesus.

You see, the trouble with always saying ‘yes’ is that your ‘no's start getting interpreted as ‘maybe's because people assume you’ll eventually cave. I lived like this for a very long time and, while I have yet to perfect life in this area, each step away from this troubling mindset gives me clarity in Christ.

“Kelley, could you just take a few minutes to do such and so, I know you originally said ‘no’ but you’re really leaving me hanging if you don’t.” “Hey, we’re having this get-together and it really wouldn’t look good if you didn’t show up.” “If you could just help out with 'x, y, and z,’ it would be a great way to pay me back for that one time I helped you with ‘a, b, and c.” And so it goes. Guilt, obligation, shame in the form of absence, a sense of repayment where we didn’t realize strings were attached- are these the reasons we should be saying ‘yes?’

Herein lies the problem. Our motivations get so far out of whack based on how other people make us feel, and we lose line of sight into how we feel lead to use our time in a way that is pleasing to the Lord. If our hearts aren’t in the right place, we are doing a disservice to everyone involved. So does this mean we simply agree to participate whenever and wherever we’re asked while falsely manufacturing a cheerful attitude and displaying a total disregard for any personal boundaries? Absolutely not! This creates ‘Burnout Central’ as we allow our pride to takes hold of the reins and the eventual lessons learned become increasingly harder to accept. We get so tangled in our web of constant commitments that we lose any sense of healthy guardrails and God’s voice begins to fade into the background of the deafening roar of chaos.

So what now? How do we untangle this mess we’re in? We start by changing our mindset and focus in on whose voice it is we should be listening for as we reach for resolution around which decisions to make. Romans 8:5-6 (ESV) says:

For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.

Any decision we make should first be filtered through the Word of God. If there isn’t a clear black and white answer, our next step is to determine what is wise or unwise based on the prompting of the Holy Spirit who dwells within us. I believe the confusion around how to respond to the constant litany of requests thrown at us is rooted in whether or not we respond in selfish pride (living according to the flesh) or Godly wisdom (living according to the Spirit). Is there a sense of life and peace that comes with our ‘yes’ or are we positioning ourselves for an early grave due to our over commitment? Do we feel we can’t say ‘no’ because we fear how it will make us look, or does our ‘no’ feel uneasy because we feel the tug of the Spirit on our hearts to say ‘yes’ to helping where he calls us to do so? Are we jumping in because we want the glory, or because we want to bring glory to the Lord? It’s all about our ‘why.’

I had to reach this conclusion the hard way. For any of you that have followed my story (if not, you can read it here: Life Was a Highway…), you could easily see I was a ‘people pleaser’ in every area of my life. Do you know where it landed me? In a hospital bed diagnosed with multiple chronic, life-long health conditions that have slowed my pace to a steady crawl. But do you know where my soul landed as a result of this reorientation? AT PEACE! This new way of living is a far cry from smooth sailing. There continue to be moments when I grieve my old life and wish my health was restored, but I trust that God’s ways are higher than my own and I’m thankful he loved me enough to pump the breaks in order to keep me from total self-annihilation. I feel so strongly about this topic that I wrote an entire book around the subject called The Energy Account Principle (available next month if you want to dive deeper with me into this topic)!

This isn’t an easy transition, but it’s essential. I’m learning to say ‘no’ when it’s necessary and stick with my decision even when I get pushback. I’m leaning more and more on God to help me become proactive in my choices so that I’m dedicating my time to the things that are best for my family, my health, and my ability to leave myself open to say ‘yes’ where I can be most effective for the cause of Christ. I am beginning to experience a calm sense of freedom from the judgment of others who don’t understand or who simply don’t respect my ‘no’. I’m tuning my soul to the calling of my Savior as I’m turning into less of a people pleaser and more of a Jesus pleaser.

Can I send you off with a challenge, friends? Say ‘no’ to one thing this week that you’d normally say ‘yes’ to out of pride or guilty obligation, and stick to your word. Pray for the strength to be confident in your decision and pay attention to the peace the Holy Spirit will provide. Continue in this pattern. You won’t get it down perfectly on this side of heaven, none of us will. We’re human and we're still prone to error. You will, however, begin to feel your heart join in lockstep with Christ and sync with his will for how you spend your time. I can tell you firsthand, there is so much joy in this space!