Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

This picture is from one of my EEGs this past winter - my son drew me as he saw me. It was so sweet and also so hard to swallow. I don’t want to be the sick mom with ‘brain damage’ (it’s always so awkward when one of my kids will blurt this out to a complete stranger - insert forehead slap emoji here), the mom crutching around the house with a bum knee tripping over Legos and blanket forts. Yet that’s exactly who I am physically at times. Other times I feel a little better and my days seem a tad closer to my former normal. I fluctuate emotionally as well. One minute I embrace a positive attitude of peace and purpose and the next I’m angry and longing for what used to be.

My health journey has felt like a weird combination of small victories I jump up to celebrate followed by an episode or ache that sits me back down. I’m literally taking steps forward - FINALLY. I’m 6 weeks post knee surgery and my leg has grown strong enough to support some independent walking. I know this is all part of the recovery process and that all of this takes time, but man is it tough to not be able to do the simple things we so easily take for granted.

I feel like EVERYTHING takes so much time to accomplish lately and it’s annoyingly frustrating. I know I’m making productive strides in the right direction but I feel like I’m moving in slow motion. My left knee is finally healing correctly only to find out my right one has developed arthritis and is going to need eventual work done as well. I FINALLY felt like my neuro meds got my brain under control only to have a few small relapses due to the stress of my knee situation. It seems like it never ends. And have I mentioned I’m only in my late 30’s? I have the medical record of an 80-year-old (insert another forehead-slapping emoji).

Isn’t this life though? Nothing’s promised, nothing’s guaranteed. We don’t write the story, we just live it with the assurance that God has our best in mind. Please don’t mistake me for minimizing this. My face is drooping and my left hand is malfunctioning as I’m typing this blog post (I’m pecking at the keys a heck of a lot slower than I’d like to). I’m in the ‘one step back’ section right now in this moment praying that my current stroke-like Hemiplegic Migraine episode resolves before my kids wake up (I’m at least thankful that this one’s mild). But this is the path that has been chosen for me and the more I push back, the rougher the terrain becomes.

I’m not thrilled to have these ailments, not at all. But everything has a constructive spin and directional purpose if you look hard enough. For starters, I strongly believe the Lord spared me from a full-on stroke back when this all started with my preeclampsia two years ago - that could have been so much worse. I also believe that the challenges that are happening to my body right now might feel like a giant physical step back but they have spiritually taken me two steps forward. I’ve used this time to grow in my faith because, let’s face it, that’s the only way this Red Sea is going to part. Without my trust in Jesus, my circumstances will come crashing down around me and I’ll drown in the defeat of it all. But with Christ I have victory. Victory over my mindset when it comes to these moments like this morning when I wake up with an achy knee, sagging face, swollen eye, and a hand and foot that don’t quite seem to want to function the way my brain is signaling them to.

It’s a lot to take in at times and I’m not sure that feeling of sadness will ever quite leave completely. Some part of my heart will always mourn my former self a bit, but as long as I keep leaning on my confidence in my Savior He’ll carry me those two steps forward and catch me on the clumsy step backward. Then He’ll give me the strength to take two more steps. The concept of ‘easy’ has no place in my life right now, but that’s ok. It’s not meant to and I’m accepting that slowly. We only get one chance on this planet. We can pray for the route that’s not riddled with thorns and skate across the finish line unscathed, but what value does that have for the soul beyond a shallow faith? Deep growth happens in the dark times, it’s what pushes us to seek the Son.

So if life is peachy right now, enjoy it and be thankful. God allows us these seasons, too. But if you are low and living in the depths of your rock bottom reality, know that hope is on the horizon and that you are not alone in the pit. Christ is there. He was there in His own life and He’s reliving it alongside you. You also have people like me who get it. I’m no savior, but I’m a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on and a voice that can echo my own encounters with pain with the desire that others will feel lifted and encouraged.

Keep walking, friends. One step, one limp, one crawl forward - whatever pace you’re at physically, emotionally, spiritually, or otherwise. The only thing that matters is that you just keep moving and keep believing that you are surrounded by perfect love and unfailing hope along the way.